BOY FRIEND MATERIAL

So this morning I was ironing my shirt and had CNN on in the
background...

This was pre-coffee, mind you, so I wasn't actually processing any
of the information coming from the TV. (I am officially a zombie
until I've downed a latte!)

Then suddenly, a story caught my attention.

Apparently, a recent scientific study has proven that when a
woman meets a man, she is subconsciously able to tell whether
he has the potential to be a long-term mate or just a fling...

(get this!)

...just by looking at his face!

I was like "Whaaa???" as I grabbed my TiVo remote and rewound
to watch the segment again.

That's right - the results of this study show that when a woman
sees a man with a strong, masculine look (square jaw, angular
facial features), she finds him attractive and knows he'd be
good for a little somethin'-somethin'....

But when she sees a man with softer, more rounded facial features,
she instinctively knows that he would make a better, more nurturing
husband and father.

Now far be it from ME to challenge science, but all I've gotta
say is...

Puh-lease!

I mean, if that were truly a realistic option - if we ACTUALLY
could tell which guys have the potential for long-term commitment
just from a quick scan of their cheekbones - think of all the time
and energy we women could be saving!

We'd know that the hot bartender with the chiseled chin who's
asking for our number is going to be more trouble than he's
worth...

We'd stop desperately trying to "change" a player into a
boyfriend...

And we'd start accepting dates exclusively from guys whose
online profiles showcase a photo of their big, chubby, round
face.

But let's get real...

It takes a lot more than a quick glance to size up whether a guy
has the qualities of a keeper.

And I'm going to tell you exactly how to do it in just a sec...

"But, Paige," you might be saying, "What if I don't WANT to
assess whether a guy has long-term potential when we first start
dating? That takes all the fun and mystery out of things! Can't I
just go with the flow and hope for the best?"

Um, sure, if the idea of wasting years of your life on a man who
never wants to commit to you on the level that you expected (and
doesn't change his mind on the issue like you thought he would)
sounds appealing, then go for it! Sounds like the
ignorance-is-bliss route is for you.

If not, then there's a much simpler way.

If you want to find a relationship that has the potential to
develop into something serious and fulfilling, you must screen
the guys you meet and only date the ones who are Boyfriend
Material.

But how will you know when you've met a guy who's Boyfriend
Material (without having to peer through his stubble to get a
good look at his jaw line)?

Easy. Just refer to the checklist in my ebook "Dating Without
Drama!"
http://www.dating-without-drama.com/datingdish/datingdish6c

If you haven't gotten your copy yet, here's a Sneak Peek of
the checklist...


Is He Boyfriend Material? A Checklist of Signs:


__ Passion:
Does he have goals and dreams for his future? Is he
committed to pursuing them?

__ Good Health & Habits:
Does he take good care of himself (eat well, go to the
gym, etc.)? Does he have any habits that are deal-
breakers (Drug or alcohol abuse, smoking)?

__ Balanced Emotional State:
Does he seem stable? (Beware of overly jaded types,
those with excessive 'emotional baggage,' or men with
rage issues or out-of-control mood swings.)

__ Treats You Well:
Does he treat you with respect and consideration? How
do you feel when you're around him - happy, relaxed,
safe? If he makes you feel uneasy, insecure, controlled,
or threatened, he is definitely not boyfriend material.

__ Treats Others Well:
Is he friendly with his doorman? Is he kind to
waitresses and generous with tips? If he's pleasant
with other people it's a good sign that he's not just
putting on an act for you.

__ Healthy Relationship Track Record:
What is his dating history like? Is he a serial
monogamist or the king of one-night stands? If he
hasn't dated much (or at all), that could also be a red
flag. If you know other women he's dated in the past,
do they have good things to say about him?

__ Good Relationship With His Family:
Is he close with his family? Does he treat his parents
with respect? Is he friendly with his siblings? These
are all good signs of a quality man. However....Beware
of the Mama's Boy! A man who hasn't "cut the cord" with
his mother is nothing but trouble - either he'll expect
you to wait on him and make his bed OR you'll spend your
life trying to live up to the perfect image of Mommy.
Either way, it's not good - so get out now and save
yourself for a man who will make you the #1 woman in
his life!

__ Maturity Level:
Does he follow through on his responsibilities? If he
blows off a commitment to stay home and play Xbox, he
may not be ready to meet the obligations of an adult
relationship.

Get the REST of the "Boyfriend Material" Checklist as well as
dozens of other tools for dating success in "Reflections and
Revelations: A Dater's Self-Discovery Guide" - it's my bonus
gift to you when download my Dating Without Drama ebook!

Just follow this link to get your very own copy:

http://www.dating-without-drama.com/datingdish/datingdish6c

...and in just minutes you'll be on your way to learning how
to make the love life you've always dreamed of a reality!

Thanks for DISHING! I'll write you again soon.

Your friend,
Paige

keep yourself away of benefit relationships!

The other night, I was out to dinner with my friend Sara when I
noticed her fabulous new 3 1/2" heels.

"Look at your shoes. They're GORGEOUS!" I squealed.

"They'd BETTER be," whined Sara. "They are absolutely KILLING my
feet.

I swear, high heels must have been invented by a MAN, because no
woman in her right mind would ever voluntarily inflict this kind of
pain on herself," she mused.

Why am I telling you this story?

Well... Sara's comment about high heels seems to apply perfectly to
the topic of today's DATING DISH.

We're talking about "Friends With Benefits."

In case you haven't heard the term before or aren't exactly sure
what it means, "Friends With Benefits" is the so-called "agreement"
between a man and a woman that they will exhibit all of the
BEHAVIORS of a full-fledged couple - talking on the phone,
spending time together, and sleeping together - without actually
having any of the rights or privileges of a full-fledged couple
(namely: monogamy or commitment).

In other words, you act like FRIENDS and have the BENEFIT of
physical intimacy.

In today's DISH I'm going to make the case that "Friends With
Benefits" is far more DETRIMENTAL to you than it ever is beneficial.

But before I go any further let me state the following up front:

* I am completely opposed to man-bashing (I know that
there are millions of great guys out there)
* I don't mean to stereotype or overgeneralize
* There are EXCEPTIONS to every rule

HOWEVER... in my experience, it seems that the idea of "Friends
With Benefits" must have been invented by a man (or at the very
least, 8 out of 10 F.W.B. relationships were proposed by the man
first).

That's because an arrangement of this nature is designed
specifically for instant gratification without emotional
attachment... something we as women are not really wired to handle
(biologically speaking).

So if you've ever found yourself in a "Friends With Benefits"
situation and are feeling confused....

Or you're in an undefined relationship that just might be a F.W.B
without you even realizing it...

Or are considering getting involved in one and think, "it's just
fun...what could it hurt?"

...Then I urge you to read today's DISH.

Taking a few minutes out of your day to think about this could save
you COUNTLESS HOURS of mental and emotional anguish in the future.

Let's dig into the DISH!

********************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK: "I Want to Be MORE Than 'Friends With Benefits'"

********************************************************************

Here's a recent email from a reader:


"Paige,

Here's a dating dilemma: I've been seeing this guy for 7 months on
a "Friends With Benefits" basis. We talk 2 or more times a week,
see each other weekly. Have a great time together, very comfortable.

Recently, I put myself out there and said 'if you want to be MORE
than friends let me know.'

He still wants to be friends.

Does he want to have his cake and eat it too? Does he even KNOW
what he wants? Does he have me right where he wants me?

I still go out on dates but always wish I was with him instead.
He's in my head. Should I just be happy that we are friends?

Someone is going to get hurt, and I bet it's me.

Thank you for your advice,
Staci"


********************************************************************

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP: "If He's The Only One Benefiting,
He's No Kind of Friend At All"

********************************************************************

My response:

"Hi Staci,

I can tell that you're a very smart woman. In fact, even if you
don't realize it, you've already answered your own question.

I think you KNOW that you need to end this unhealthy entanglement
with this so-called "friend" and you've written me for some
encouragement to make that tough decision.

Well I'm happy to help, and please know that in the process of
sharing your story, YOU will be helping countless other women
who've found themselves in a situation similar to yours.

First, let's talk about the MEANING of "Friends With Benefits."

In theory, the idea sounds deceptively appealing. Especially
when you break down the definition of the key words:

Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary defines FRIEND as:

"One attached to another by affection or esteem
(From Old English, meaning "to love")"

and BENEFIT as:

"1. an act of kindness
2. something that promotes well-being"

So let me ask you, Staci - would someone who rejected your
heartfelt request to have a committed relationship (because he
wants to continue to enjoy sexual gratification FROM you without
having any obligation TO you) fit the definition of "friend?" How
exactly is he showing you the affection, esteem or love that a
friend is supposed to provide?

And what about these so-called "benefits"...

Does the idea of him sleeping with you one night and then ditching
you the next to try to pick up some other woman at a bar seem like
an "act of kindness?"

And what about your feelings? You said in your email to me that you
want more... that you think about him all the time and you worry
that you are about to get hurt. Are these supposed "benefits"
REALLY "promoting your well-being?"

I DON'T THINK SO!!!

So how did you get here in the first place?

There are usually two different ways that a woman tends to get
involved in a "Friends With Benefits" situation:

SCENARIO 1: You feel emotionally vulnerable (perhaps from
a recent breakup) and decide that you're not
ready for a relationship. You convince yourself
that sleeping with someone without any strings
attached will be simple and fun. Until things
start to get COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO 2: A guy that you're really interested in proposes
the idea of a "Friends With Benefits" arrangement
and you decide that you'll take what you can get
for the moment, all the while hoping that he'll
eventually come around or that you can convince
him to turn the F.W.B. into a REAL committed
relationship.

Now I don't know which scenario you fit into, Staci, but both of
them are dangerous.

Here's why:

SCENARIO 1: You became F.W.B.s because you thought it was what you
wanted at first, and figured if everyone was up front with each
other then no one would get hurt. Unless you are the very rare
exception to the rule, you were just FOOLING YOURSELF.

That's because women aren't wired for this type of arrangement.

As I say in my ebook "Dating Without Drama":

"As much as we women want to believe that we're 'modern' and
have evolved to 'have sex like a man,' (just for enjoyment's
sake with no attachment), the truth is that most of us cannot
separate emotions and expectations from sex like men can.

Blame it on biology, but it is instinctual for a woman to
desire a bond with her partner. It's nature's way for us to
develop feelings of love and protectiveness toward the man
we're with, since our bodies are telling us that he might
have the potential to father our children."

I go on in my book to cite a fascinating psychological study
that proves this. It's a bit too lengthy to include here,
so if you want to check it out, turn to Chapter 9 in my
book.
http://www.dating-without-drama.com/datingdish/datingdish8b

"Even if we're not ready and the idea of having children isn't
remotely on our radar in a conscious way, we are driven by our
biology more than we know or would care to admit.

It's virtually impossible for most women to sleep with a
guy and then say, 'Well, that was fun. Now whatever happens,
happens...'"

Voluntarily getting involved in a F.W.B. situation is setting
yourself up for failure.

SCENARIO 2: You agree to participate in a "Friends With Benefits"
situation in the hopes that it will eventually grow into a
committed, loving relationship.

This NEVER, EVER works.

That's because you weren't true to your feelings and desires
up front...

You didn't think enough of yourself to believe that you deserve a
completely fulfilling, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and hoped
that by settling for less...

basically, settling for the emotional equivalent of table scraps
that he threw to you...

...you would, in time, be able to convince him to want to make your
relationship more than a booty call.

When you get involved with a guy without putting your self-respect
first or setting any boundaries for your own emotional safety, it
can be VERY hard to get your footing back once you start to feel
used and hurt.

This is not the kind of situation that will magically transform
into a happily-ever-after.

I don't mean to be all tough-love but let's get REAL...

When a man says "Let's be Friends With Benefits," what he's REALLY
saying is: "I'm selfish. I like having sex with you, but I don't
care enough about you as a person or respect you enough to be your
boyfriend."

It's nothing more than a creative way of telling you that he wants
to keep his options open in case someone better comes along.

You need to realize that you are WAY TOO AMAZING to be some guy's
second choice!

As I say in "Dating Without Drama":

"NEVER have sex with a man for the wrong reasons. Don't sleep with
him to try to keep him from losing interest or leaving (it never
works) and don't use sex as a strategy to get what you want from a
man. In either scenario you are showing complete disrespect for
yourself by treating your body like it is some sort of commodity to
be traded in exchange for love and security. You deserve far better
than that... but you must demand it for yourself before you expect
anyone else will offer it to you."

I recommend breaking it off with him immediately (if not sooner!)
and freeing yourself up to meet someone who will recognize how
truly special you are.

I know this might seem difficult, Staci, but a smart decision to
take care of yourself NOW will save you lots of heartbreak in the
long run!

Remember, the right guy for you will want to share EVERY part of
his life with you, not just his bed.

Hang in there and please let me know how everything works out!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

bad behaviours,great news!!

Here's a little scenario you might relate to:

You meet a new guy and he seems PERFECT.

He's charming, funny, interesting and - best of all -
he appears to be really into YOU!

He flirts...you flirt back. He asks you out... you
accept. You begin dating and it couldn't be better.
The connection... the chemistry... everything about
him is just AMAZING.

You feel like you're living in a romantic comedy
and you've found your leading man. You even hear the
soundtrack in your head - "I'm walking on sunshine...
YEAAAHHH... and don't it feel good!"

Then - OUT OF THE BLUE - it happens.

"Mr. Wonderful" does something completely atrocious:
says something devastatingly hurtful, cheats on you,
reveals a violent side, or simply disappears into
thin air.

Errrr -- (Sound effect of a needle scratching across
a record!)

You are left stunned - What happened?

You feel foolish - How could you have been so WRONG
about him?

You've arrived at a crossroads. You can proceed one
of two ways:

1. You can throw all of your energy into trying to
make things work. After all, you have the memories of
how great things once were so maybe somehow, some way,
YOU can turn it back around.

2. You can jump for joy. Shout "hallelujah!"
Thank your lucky stars.

(Yes, you read that right.)

You're probably thinking, "Sure, Paige - I GET #1,
but #2??? Why would I be HAPPY when my supposedly
'perfect' boyfriend turns into a jerk?"

Because the man you THOUGHT you knew finally decided
to drop the act and show you his TRUE COLORS before it
was too late.

By "too late" I mean that you didn't have a lifetime
invested in a dead-end relationship or marriage with
this impostor.

You can get out of this bad situation NOW and get on
with your life.

(Important note of distinction: this is different than
when you have a disagreement or challenge to work through
in a long-term relationship. ALL relationships take work.
I'm talking about when a guy you've been casually dating
reveals that he has a completely different personality or
some sort of major deal-breaking issue.)

Today's DRAMAS OF THE WEEK are personal accounts of two
women who stood at the crossroads I mentioned. One has
chosen Path #1 and another has chosen Path #2.

There's a lot to be learned from these situations
so let's dig in!

(By the way... the advice I'm about to give really
DOES work! Check out this quick SUCCESS STORY:

"DATING WITHOUT DRAMA has SAVED me from making grave
mistakes, from potential heartache and acting like a
drama queen. By following your advice I feel confident
and full of respect." -Morgan, Seattle, WA")

************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #1: Trying to Work it Out

************************************************************

I received this email from a reader the other day:

"Hi Paige,

My name is Beth. I have a dilemma in my relationship of
1.5 years. My fiance proposed to me, and we were supposed
to move in together when he decided one night to go out with
his friends to a strip bar and pick up three strippers.
He lied about the events even when he was caught with it.

I did not move in with him and put things on hold to work
things out. He then decided to cheat on me with two other
women and again lied to me about it.

Afterwards he came forward and admitted it, saying that
he was confused and had to make sure. Now, he doesn't want
to spend time with me. We only see each other once a week.
He doesn't want me near his family, or his son.

He says that I caused him to have red flags because of my
reactions.

Lastly, when we talked, he said that he does want to be with
me and have a future together. But when I ask to see him, he
gets upset and starts yelling saying that I am pushing and to
stop pushing because he won't want to see me.

I don't know what to do. Could you please help me?

Thanks,
Beth"
* * * * * * * * * * * *

My Response:

"WHOA, BETH!

I am truly amazed at what a master manipulator you are
dealing with here.

He has shown you his TRUE COLORS - that he is a cheater
AND a liar - and has somehow twisted everything around
to make Y-O-U feel like the bad guy!

This man cheated on you with strippers, and when you were
loving and forgiving enough to not dump his sorry butt
and instead "put things on hold to work things out,"
HIS way of earning your trust back was to cheat on you
with two other women???

And Y-O-U were the one to cause HIM to see red flags???

Honey, please! This man is playing mind games with you!

He is completely disrespecting you, walking all over you,
deliberately hurting you... and then turning it around so
you feel like it's your fault and on top of everything else,
PUNISHING you by keeping you away from his family, whom
you obviously care about a great deal.

I know this may seem hard to believe right now because
you're under the spell of this devious man, but his
exhibiting of this despicable behavior is the best thing
that could have happened to you right now.

That's because you have the opportunity to see this
person for who he truly is: the wrong man for you.

If he's treating you this way NOW while you're engaged,
what on earth would stop him from continuing this
behavior once you're married?

You have the chance NOW to get out of this relationship
before you find yourself any deeper.

As I say in Chapter 7 of "Dating Without Drama"
http://www.dating-without-drama.com/datingdish/datingdish2c
"You don't want to be in a relationship with someone
just to be in a relationship. (And if you do, you're not
giving yourself enough credit - you deserve better than to
settle for someone based on the criteria that he's 'not a
serial killer.')

It saddens me to see so many women trying to force
relationships with inferior men. It's like it doesn't even
occur to them to evaluate whether these men have the
qualities they're looking for in a partner. They become so
consumed with trying to make the man love them, they do
everything in their power to be the 'perfect' girlfriend
and completely ignore the fact that he's not even close to
being a decent boyfriend.

Like I said in Chapter 5, it is absolutely essential to
remember that there are TWO people in every relationship.
If your only concern is making a man want YOU, then you
will invariably end up neglecting to consider whether you
even want him in the first place."

You deserve to spend your life with a man who will love
you, respect you, and CHERISH you. You don't have to settle
for a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt.

Beth, please do yourself a favor and make a clean break now.
I wish you all the happiness in the world."

************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2: Moving On

************************************************************

Here's another email from a reader:


"Paige,

My boyfriend had proposed to me at 9 months things were
PERFECT. He bought me a beautiful engagement ring after
proposing to me on a perfect trip to Mexico. Here I thought
all was going to be perfect or even normal...

Then he decided that after our first big fight to make his
biggest mistake - he had a woman answer his phone at 1:30am.

He said nothing happened but the whole week before he was
giving me weird signals such as :

1) started spending more time at his "bachelor pad" with his
roommates.
2) Kept worrying about how he looked.
3) Kept talking about his double life ???

All that - and he couldn't offer me an ounce of reassurance.
The woman who answered his phone was 'his friend's wife'
(so the story went) ...and I'd just have to 'trust him.'

He wasn't going to be having his cake and eating it too.
If he couldn't be respectful to our future together than he
could go back to bar hopping and keg parties & petty flings!

I hope other women can learn from my wasted time and effort
on him. I was really hurt for the first week; I kept thinking
this would have been my HUSBAND.

However I'm very happy to get out before I made the biggest
mistake of my life. Sincerely ladies, it's better to be alone
and happy than committed and disrespected!

Thank you for Paige for being here for us all!

Gretchen"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

My Response:

"Good for you, Gretchen!

I am so proud of you for being BRAVE enough to recognize -
and pay attention to - the warning signals that your
boyfriend's behavior was sending...

...and CONFIDENT enough to let the relationship go because
you know you deserve better!

There's a book called "The Gift of Fear" that is about how we
all have this wonderful gift of finely-tuned instincts that
allow us to sense when something is wrong (particularly when
we are in an unsafe situation - like in an elevator with a
man who might attack us) and that we really need to trust
and act on those instincts.

I think the same is true for your case. Although you were
not in physical danger with your ex-fiance, you may very
well have been in danger of being emotionally hurt by his
unpredictable (and less-than-honorable) actions.

I am very impressed with your positive attitude. You are
thankful that you saw the red flags before you married this
man, and in my humble opinion, that is exactly how you should
feel.

You have a second chance to find the man who truly deserves
a phenomenal woman like you!

Please keep me posted on how things work out for you!"


* * * * * * * * * * * * *

So as you can see from these Dramas of the Week, it's
extremely important for you to pay attention to the signs
your man is giving you and act accordingly.

Trust your instincts and believe that you deserve someone
who will treasure you. If the guy you're dating shows his
true colors and they're not pretty, be thankful that you
saw the light and have the opportunity to move on.