keep yourself away of benefit relationships!

The other night, I was out to dinner with my friend Sara when I
noticed her fabulous new 3 1/2" heels.

"Look at your shoes. They're GORGEOUS!" I squealed.

"They'd BETTER be," whined Sara. "They are absolutely KILLING my
feet.

I swear, high heels must have been invented by a MAN, because no
woman in her right mind would ever voluntarily inflict this kind of
pain on herself," she mused.

Why am I telling you this story?

Well... Sara's comment about high heels seems to apply perfectly to
the topic of today's DATING DISH.

We're talking about "Friends With Benefits."

In case you haven't heard the term before or aren't exactly sure
what it means, "Friends With Benefits" is the so-called "agreement"
between a man and a woman that they will exhibit all of the
BEHAVIORS of a full-fledged couple - talking on the phone,
spending time together, and sleeping together - without actually
having any of the rights or privileges of a full-fledged couple
(namely: monogamy or commitment).

In other words, you act like FRIENDS and have the BENEFIT of
physical intimacy.

In today's DISH I'm going to make the case that "Friends With
Benefits" is far more DETRIMENTAL to you than it ever is beneficial.

But before I go any further let me state the following up front:

* I am completely opposed to man-bashing (I know that
there are millions of great guys out there)
* I don't mean to stereotype or overgeneralize
* There are EXCEPTIONS to every rule

HOWEVER... in my experience, it seems that the idea of "Friends
With Benefits" must have been invented by a man (or at the very
least, 8 out of 10 F.W.B. relationships were proposed by the man
first).

That's because an arrangement of this nature is designed
specifically for instant gratification without emotional
attachment... something we as women are not really wired to handle
(biologically speaking).

So if you've ever found yourself in a "Friends With Benefits"
situation and are feeling confused....

Or you're in an undefined relationship that just might be a F.W.B
without you even realizing it...

Or are considering getting involved in one and think, "it's just
fun...what could it hurt?"

...Then I urge you to read today's DISH.

Taking a few minutes out of your day to think about this could save
you COUNTLESS HOURS of mental and emotional anguish in the future.

Let's dig into the DISH!

********************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK: "I Want to Be MORE Than 'Friends With Benefits'"

********************************************************************

Here's a recent email from a reader:


"Paige,

Here's a dating dilemma: I've been seeing this guy for 7 months on
a "Friends With Benefits" basis. We talk 2 or more times a week,
see each other weekly. Have a great time together, very comfortable.

Recently, I put myself out there and said 'if you want to be MORE
than friends let me know.'

He still wants to be friends.

Does he want to have his cake and eat it too? Does he even KNOW
what he wants? Does he have me right where he wants me?

I still go out on dates but always wish I was with him instead.
He's in my head. Should I just be happy that we are friends?

Someone is going to get hurt, and I bet it's me.

Thank you for your advice,
Staci"


********************************************************************

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP: "If He's The Only One Benefiting,
He's No Kind of Friend At All"

********************************************************************

My response:

"Hi Staci,

I can tell that you're a very smart woman. In fact, even if you
don't realize it, you've already answered your own question.

I think you KNOW that you need to end this unhealthy entanglement
with this so-called "friend" and you've written me for some
encouragement to make that tough decision.

Well I'm happy to help, and please know that in the process of
sharing your story, YOU will be helping countless other women
who've found themselves in a situation similar to yours.

First, let's talk about the MEANING of "Friends With Benefits."

In theory, the idea sounds deceptively appealing. Especially
when you break down the definition of the key words:

Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary defines FRIEND as:

"One attached to another by affection or esteem
(From Old English, meaning "to love")"

and BENEFIT as:

"1. an act of kindness
2. something that promotes well-being"

So let me ask you, Staci - would someone who rejected your
heartfelt request to have a committed relationship (because he
wants to continue to enjoy sexual gratification FROM you without
having any obligation TO you) fit the definition of "friend?" How
exactly is he showing you the affection, esteem or love that a
friend is supposed to provide?

And what about these so-called "benefits"...

Does the idea of him sleeping with you one night and then ditching
you the next to try to pick up some other woman at a bar seem like
an "act of kindness?"

And what about your feelings? You said in your email to me that you
want more... that you think about him all the time and you worry
that you are about to get hurt. Are these supposed "benefits"
REALLY "promoting your well-being?"

I DON'T THINK SO!!!

So how did you get here in the first place?

There are usually two different ways that a woman tends to get
involved in a "Friends With Benefits" situation:

SCENARIO 1: You feel emotionally vulnerable (perhaps from
a recent breakup) and decide that you're not
ready for a relationship. You convince yourself
that sleeping with someone without any strings
attached will be simple and fun. Until things
start to get COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO 2: A guy that you're really interested in proposes
the idea of a "Friends With Benefits" arrangement
and you decide that you'll take what you can get
for the moment, all the while hoping that he'll
eventually come around or that you can convince
him to turn the F.W.B. into a REAL committed
relationship.

Now I don't know which scenario you fit into, Staci, but both of
them are dangerous.

Here's why:

SCENARIO 1: You became F.W.B.s because you thought it was what you
wanted at first, and figured if everyone was up front with each
other then no one would get hurt. Unless you are the very rare
exception to the rule, you were just FOOLING YOURSELF.

That's because women aren't wired for this type of arrangement.

As I say in my ebook "Dating Without Drama":

"As much as we women want to believe that we're 'modern' and
have evolved to 'have sex like a man,' (just for enjoyment's
sake with no attachment), the truth is that most of us cannot
separate emotions and expectations from sex like men can.

Blame it on biology, but it is instinctual for a woman to
desire a bond with her partner. It's nature's way for us to
develop feelings of love and protectiveness toward the man
we're with, since our bodies are telling us that he might
have the potential to father our children."

I go on in my book to cite a fascinating psychological study
that proves this. It's a bit too lengthy to include here,
so if you want to check it out, turn to Chapter 9 in my
book.
http://www.dating-without-drama.com/datingdish/datingdish8b

"Even if we're not ready and the idea of having children isn't
remotely on our radar in a conscious way, we are driven by our
biology more than we know or would care to admit.

It's virtually impossible for most women to sleep with a
guy and then say, 'Well, that was fun. Now whatever happens,
happens...'"

Voluntarily getting involved in a F.W.B. situation is setting
yourself up for failure.

SCENARIO 2: You agree to participate in a "Friends With Benefits"
situation in the hopes that it will eventually grow into a
committed, loving relationship.

This NEVER, EVER works.

That's because you weren't true to your feelings and desires
up front...

You didn't think enough of yourself to believe that you deserve a
completely fulfilling, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and hoped
that by settling for less...

basically, settling for the emotional equivalent of table scraps
that he threw to you...

...you would, in time, be able to convince him to want to make your
relationship more than a booty call.

When you get involved with a guy without putting your self-respect
first or setting any boundaries for your own emotional safety, it
can be VERY hard to get your footing back once you start to feel
used and hurt.

This is not the kind of situation that will magically transform
into a happily-ever-after.

I don't mean to be all tough-love but let's get REAL...

When a man says "Let's be Friends With Benefits," what he's REALLY
saying is: "I'm selfish. I like having sex with you, but I don't
care enough about you as a person or respect you enough to be your
boyfriend."

It's nothing more than a creative way of telling you that he wants
to keep his options open in case someone better comes along.

You need to realize that you are WAY TOO AMAZING to be some guy's
second choice!

As I say in "Dating Without Drama":

"NEVER have sex with a man for the wrong reasons. Don't sleep with
him to try to keep him from losing interest or leaving (it never
works) and don't use sex as a strategy to get what you want from a
man. In either scenario you are showing complete disrespect for
yourself by treating your body like it is some sort of commodity to
be traded in exchange for love and security. You deserve far better
than that... but you must demand it for yourself before you expect
anyone else will offer it to you."

I recommend breaking it off with him immediately (if not sooner!)
and freeing yourself up to meet someone who will recognize how
truly special you are.

I know this might seem difficult, Staci, but a smart decision to
take care of yourself NOW will save you lots of heartbreak in the
long run!

Remember, the right guy for you will want to share EVERY part of
his life with you, not just his bed.

Hang in there and please let me know how everything works out!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *