Cheating boyfriends...
Jealous exes...
Stalkers...
...Bad hair days (?!?)
Dating dramas come in all shapes and sizes.
And no matter what you're going through - big or small -
when it happens to YOU, it qualifies as a CRISIS.
(I mean, when you're standing in a pile of clothes moaning,
"I have NOTHING to wear" - and your hot date is honking
outside - no one can convince you that yours isn't the most
DIRE situation. EVER.)
That's why I'm devoting today's DATING DISH to
"DO'S AND DON'TS FOR EVERYDAY DATING DILEMMAS."
All 4 questions are ones you've probably asked yourself.
So read on for answers you can use TODAY!
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DRAMA OF THE WEEK #1: "What Should I Wear On A First Date?"
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"Paige,
I am about to go on a first date with a guy this weekend.
My question is what do I wear? Any recommendations? I want to
look nice but don't want to go over the top either. We are
meeting at a local coffee shop.
Thanks,
Sheryl"
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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #1: "Do's and Don'ts of Dressing
For a Date"
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My Response:
"Hi Sheryl,
Great question! If I could I would come look through your
closet and help you pick something out, but since I can't,
the best was I can help is to share my...
DO's and DON'Ts of DRESSING FOR A DATE:
DON'T:
...DRESS TOO TRENDY-TRENDY.
Sure, 4" platform shoes, skin-tight leggings, and
purses bigger than an overnight bag might be all the
rage, but that doesn't mean that YOU have to wear
them (especially all at one time). Most guys don't
know much about women's fashion (if yours does that
could be a RED FLAG! Helloooo!), so thigh-high
chinchilla fur boots will most likely terrify him
rather than wow him.
On a first date, your best bet is to go with
something CLASSIC (a great, form-fitting pair of
jeans in a dark wash; a cute, colorful top; and heels)
and accessorize with a fun but age-appropriate TREND
(a cool belt, bold earrings, etc). That way YOU'll
know you're stylin'... and HE'll just know you're hot!
...REVEAL TOO MUCH.
Dangerously low-cut shirts, barely-there mini
skirts- good if you're going to a costume party as
Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman," bad for a first date.
(Hint: if you have to suck in your breath and lay on
the ground to zip your pants, they're too tight!) As
counter-intuitive as it might sound, clothing that
screams "sex" is NOT sexy. Leave the pleather where
it belongs - in your closet in a box marked
"Halloween."
...TRY OUT A NEW LOOK.
I'm all for experimenting with fashion, but a first
date is NOT the right time to launch a new personal
image. You know what looks great on you and makes you
feel confident, so stick with it. Save the daring
duds for a night out with your girlfriends - they'll
tell you honestly whether you can pull it off!
...THROW SOMETHING TOGETHER LAST-MINUTE.
First dates are stressful enough as it is without
having to go tearing through your closet (or hamper!)
20 minutes before you're supposed to meet him. As
soon as you solidify your plans, choose an outfit
and try it on - accessories and all - so on the big
night you'll feel confident and calm (at least about
your clothes!).
DO:
...BE COMFORTABLE.
Now I don't mean that you should bust out your
sweatpants, but on the opposite end of the spectrum,
you don't want to wear an outfit that is so
uncomfortable you find yourself fidgeting with it
all night. Just say NO to itchy wool sweaters,
low-low-low-rise jeans, and any top that requires
a strapless bra (do those things ever stay up for
ANYONE???).
...CONSIDER THE LOCALE.
The sparkly black top you were planning on wearing
out for cocktails would look all wrong for a brunch
date. Similarly, you can't pull off a yellow sundress
at a dance club. Consider the location of your date
and choose your outfit accordingly. For Sheryl, a
colorful top with a pretty neckline and jeans should
be just the right level of dress for a coffee date.
...BE FEMININE (AND LET HIS IMAGINATION RUN WILD).
Men seem to be mesmerized by overt femininity.
Delicate or nice-feeling fabrics (silk, satin,
organza, cashmere) will catch his attention and give
him a reason to want to reach out and touch you.
Remember in the "don'ts" when we talked about
avoiding clothes that scream "sex?" Well here's the
RIGHT way to look sexy on a date: show a LITTLE skin,
but leave the rest up to his imagination. For example,
a blouse that is just a little bit see-through (don't
forget to wear a matching camisole underneath) will
drive him wild. Less is more - A boat-neck shirt that
shows off your collarbone is infinitely sexier than a
halter top with your boobs spilling out.
...SHOW YOUR PERSONAL STYLE.
Reveal a little something about who you are with what
you wear. Dress in your favorite color. Wear earrings
that were passed down to you from your grandmother or
a necklace that you made yourself. These little touches
might make for interesting conversation or, at the
very least, will serve as a reminder that there's
nothing more attractive than being yourself.
Speaking of which... There's one final "DO":
DO remember that who YOU are is more important than what
you're wearing.
As I confess in my eBook 'Dating Without Drama',
I used to freak out about what I wore on every date until I
realized that "my quest for the 'perfect' date outfit was
really a quest to be perfect myself.
It wasn't until meeting the man I truly belonged with -
the one who made me feel so attractive and confident in myself
(no matter what I was wearing) - that I decided to put the
focus on who I am rather than what I'm wearing. I learned that
I am fabulous...not just my outfit!"
I hope this helps, Sheryl! Good luck on your date!"
And while we're on the topic of fashion... here's another
dating dilemma I received from a reader:
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DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2: "My Guy Is A Terrible Dresser!"
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"Hi Paige,
I am hoping that you can help me... I have recently met a
very nice guy but the issue at hand is that his fashion
sense is crippling.
How do I go about addressing such an issue without
offending him?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Kind wishes,
Cynthia"
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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #2: "Show, Don't Tell."
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"Hi Cynthia,
In the age of makeover shows like 'Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy' and books like 'The Metrosexual Man's Guide to
Style,' I think the women of our generation have grown
accustomed to men looking more like runway models than, well,
REAL men.
On one hand I think we might be pretty spoiled. On the other
hand, when you take pride in your appearance, there's nothing
wrong with expecting your man to do the same.
I'm glad to see that you haven't decided to overlook this
great guy because of his unfortunate lack of fashion sense.
And I'm happy to report that there IS a way to turn this
situation around, but it's not going to happen by having
a 'talk.' It involves some gentle coaching. See my
Do's and Don'ts below:
DO's and DON'Ts of REVAMPING
YOUR MAN'S STYLE:
DON'T:
...COME RIGHT OUT AND TELL HIM HE'S A LOUSY DRESSER.
Imagine how hurt you'd feel if your guy told you,
"Those pants make you look fat." Well guess what?
Men are sensitive to criticism too. No matter
how well-meaning you are, if you say, "We really
need to work on the way you dress," he's going to
hear "I'm not attracted to you, loser." Sure,
honesty is important in a relationship, but in this
case it's kinder for you to hold your tongue.
...BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
Almost as destructive as spelling out how you
feel about his taste is to drop hints about it.
"You're wearing THAT?" is not an effective way to
get him to change out of that Calvin and Hobbes
t-shirt before meeting your friends for the first
time.
DO:
...ENCOURAGE HIM WHEN HE PICKS OUT SOMETHING PASSABLE.
If your guy usually wears his stinky college
sweatshirt and holey jeans, but one day steps it up
to a sweater and cords that you can live with, lay on
the praise. "Wow...you look great tonight! Is that
new?" will do the trick. Positive reinforcement
works wonders - the compliment might just make him
try a little harder next time.
...BROWSE IN HIS CLOSET.
Next time you're hanging out at his place, playfully
open his closet door and have a look at his wardrobe.
If there are a few items that are better than his
usual uniform, point them out. "Hey! I've never seen
this shirt. I love it - you should wear it on our next
date!"
...GIVE HIM A VISUAL AID.
Whether it's in a men's magazine like GQ, on TV, or
on a billboard on the freeway, point out well-dressed
men. Say in a very positive voice, "You would look
SO hot in that outfit," or, "Those are the sexiest
jeans... but they'd look even better on you!"
...TAKE HIM SHOPPING.
The next holiday or occasion to come up (his birthday,
Christmas, etc), give him a gift card for a nice
clothing store and note that you want to come with him
to help pick stuff out. It will be a fun bonding
experience for you both, and if you're lucky you'll
have final say on the purchases.
And one final "DO":
DO remember that there's more to a man than the way he dresses!
The truth is, with your help he will probably make SOME
improvement but he might not ever top anyone's "Best Dressed"
list.
When you get to know him for who he is inside, you may grow to
find his fashion faux-pas endearing! Or if not, you can always
call on the "Queer Eye" guys for help."
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DRAMA OF THE WEEK #3: "Who Pays The Bill?"
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"Paige,
I stepped out of the dating scene for about 5 years and I am
truly rusty on a lot of basic things. I have a question that
I really need help with:
When should we (or should we ever) as women offer to pay the
bill on a date?
Your website has helped me out with my thought process on
dating. But I haven't read anything on 'who's paying for this
date.' Can you please write about that?
Thanks,
Jahmalia"
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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #3: "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE 'OFFER.'"
************************************************************
"Hey Jahmalia,
Good question. This is one that I address in 'Dating Without
Drama' (Chapter 5):
http://www.dating-without-drama.com/datingdish/datingdish7
My advice is DO always offer to pay. As I say in my book:
"My friend Ella has a little trick. Right around the time when
she and her date are finished sharing dessert, she excuses
herself to go to the bathroom. When she returns to the table,
9 times out of 10 the check will have already come and her date
will have paid.
'Omigosh, you didn't have to do that,' she'll say. 'Here...
let me give you some money,' she'll 'insist,' but of course
her date will refuse.
What Ella doesn't know is that most of her dates are well aware
of the bathroom trick and don't appreciate it.
In my experience, most men really do want to pay for the date
(and will probably insist on doing so) but find it so
refreshing when the woman doesn't EXPECT them to.
So when the check comes, offer to contribute. He'll think
you're really cool, and he probably won't let you give him a
dime."
Here are a few other quick
DO's and DON'Ts OF 'CHECK ETIQUETTE':
DO:
...DECIDE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHO PAYS.
You may consider yourself a modern woman who's
proud to contribute to a date with her hard-earned
cash. Fine. You may be old-fashioned, believe in
chivalry, and want your date to pay. That's fine
too. Just know that men will also have an opinion
one way or the other. If this is an important issue
you feel strongly about, you'll want to seek out
men who are on the same page of your etiquette book.
...OFFER TO PAY ON EVERY DATE.
When the check comes, reach for your wallet in
a genuine, sincere way, not a fake gesture. (Make
sure you have enough money to cover your share).
If he says, "Thanks, but this is on me,"
say a warm "thank you. Dinner was amazing." If he
lets you go dutch, don't begrudge it. You offered!
Now you can evaluate how you feel about him based on
DO #1. If he didn't handle the delicate "dance of the
dining check" to your satisfaction, it's your choice
whether to go out with him again.
...PAY FOR AT LEAST ONE THING ON A DATE.
If you're out with Mr. Chivalry and he's just put his
platinum card down on an expensive meal, insist on
paying for the cab or an after-dinner nightcap. It's
not going to even the score, but it shows that you
care about being out with HIM and aren't just in it
for the meal ticket.
...DISCUSS WHEN TO GO DUTCH.
After seeing the same man for several weeks, it's
only polite to discuss whether you should start to
pay your own way (especially if you are in comparable
financial situations). There's no right or wrong
answer, as long as both of you feel comfortable with
the decision.
DON'T
...BUST YOUR BUDGET FOR HIS CHAMPAGNE TASTES.
If you'd like to go dutch but your date keeps
choosing places that are out of your budget, let him
know. Say, "Wow, I feel so spoiled with all the great
places you're taking me. I'd love to start chipping
in or go dutch with you at a place that's a little
more budget-friendly for me." He'll be impressed that
you offered and will either adjust plans accordingly
or be happy to pay for you.
Now get out there and enjoy your dates, Jahmalia!"
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DRAMA OF THE WEEK #4: "How Do I Avoid The Dangers
of Dating?"
************************************************************
"Hi Paige,
Have you got any advice on dating safely?
I am a little concerned that the guys may not be who they
say they are. If they offer to buy me a drink how do I know
it will not be spiked? Should I accept?
Thanks for all your tips.
Sari"
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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #4: "DATING SAFETY DO'S AND DON'TS"
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"Hi Sari,
Thanks so much for asking this very important question!
Here are my rules:
DO's and DON'Ts OF SAFE DATING:
DO:
...TAKE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION.
The first time you go out with a new guy, don't let
him pick you up. Drive yourself, take a taxi, or
have a friend drop you off. That way you have the
freedom to make a getaway if the date is boring or
- worse - you have an uneasy feeling about the man
you're out with. There's plenty of time for him to
be a gentleman and pick you up once you're sure he's
trustworthy.
...KEEP YOUR CELL ON YOU AT ALL TIMES.
For obvious reasons, don't leave home without your
mobile phone. ('But it doesn't fit in my cute little
evening clutch' is NOT an acceptable excuse.) If, in
the unlikely event you've gotten yourself into a
dangerous situation, you need to be able to call for
help.
...MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
Be wary if a guy wants to cook you a romantic dinner
at his house on the first date. Until you get a sense
of what he's all about, meet him in a public place in
a central location with lots of other people around.
If he's pressuring you to meet at his place or yours,
politely decline and do not see him again.
...HAVE A 'CHECK IN' FRIEND.
Let a friend or family member know who you're going
out with, where, and when. Make a plan to check in
with her after your date (or instruct her to call you
at a certain time if she hasn't heard from you).
...STAY SOBER.
Until you feel you can trust a new guy (at least on
a first date), lay off the liquor. You might say,
"but I can handle a glass of wine." Fine - it's your
call and you know your own limit. The important thing
is that you never allow your judgment to become
impaired. It's essential that you remain in control
of yourself, your decisions and your actions.
DON'T
...TAKE A DRINK FROM HIM DIRECTLY.
If your date wants to buy you a drink, don't let him
go to the bar on his own and bring it back to you.
Make sure you watch the bartender pour it (and hand
it to you directly) or watch the waitress bring it
to your table. This will ensure that it isn't spiked
with something that could impair you.
...LEAVE YOUR DRINK UNATTENDED.
For the same reasons I mentioned in the last "DON'T,"
don't get up to the bathroom and leave him alone with
your drink.
...GO HOME WITH HIM OR LET HIM COME HOME WITH YOU.
We've all had that phenomenal first date where
everything seems to click and we just don't want it
to end. Don't be so blinded by euphoria (or hormones!)
that you make a risky decision to go somewhere private
with, let's face it, a complete stranger. Don't worry,
there will be plenty of time for that in the future.
And if this guy really likes you for you, he'll wait
for the chance to get you alone. In the meantime you
have the opportunity to get to know him and discover
whether he's WORTHY!
...IGNORE A BAD FEELING.
Often, when you hear stories of women who were
attacked or assaulted, they say that before the
incident, "I had this funny feeling that something
wasn't right." And they wish that they had listened
to that feeling. Well if you have one, don't ignore
it. Women's intuition is a POWERFUL thing, so if
there's a feeling in your gut that this man's not to
be trusted, don't stick around to let him prove you
right. Get away and get somewhere safe ASAP.
BUT...
DON'T let fear rule your heart.
When dating, you absolutely have to put your safety first,
always. That being said, it's not healthy to live in fear
either. How are you ever going to get to know someone special
if every guy who tries to put his arm around you gets a face
full of pepper spray and a kick in the groin? SO... my final
advice: err on the side of caution, stay vigilant, and trust
your gut, but be open to the fact that there are a lot of
really wonderful men out there who are waiting for someone
amazing like you to TREASURE. When a guy like this earns your
trust over time, you'll know it's right.
Now go find him!"
